Bad Mommy

I think today is the first day since the babies have been born that I have NOT felt like being a mom. This week off was really wonderful, I enjoyed spending time with both of them, just with me. Then around Friday I started to crack a little - I missed the social adult interaction, I hated feeling all needy when Brett came home from work. I had too much pop all day & I couldn't get to sleep on Friday night... then I was overtired AND stressed out all day Saturday. Fortunately Mom & Dad came over in the afternoon & I took a nap. It was the first one all week where I didn't have to sleep with one eye open waiting for someone to wake up. I know there's lots of other moms, including friends of mine, who never get a break & have been home with their babies since Day 1, with no help. I am so glad I'm not one of them. I'm actually looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. I think this whole thing was probably good for me so I could really let it sink in that I am not cut out to be a stay at home mom. People in some circles I'm in - like church - are still shocked that I still work full-time. I guess I'm finally glad that I DO work outside our home. I am just not cut out to set my own schedule & have to prioritize everything for myself. Brett was really good about the whole thing & let me vent & took care of the babies most of the evening.

I also decided that at almost 5 months, I'm going to wean Zoe off the breastmilk. I just hit a wall with it, and I'm done. I'm doing it slowly... trying to just pump once in the morning and once at night. I still have a dwindling stash in the freezer that I'll use up too. She's doing ok on the formula, although the first bottle she didn't really like & she puked it all up. That was my fault though, cuz it was a can we opened when I was in the hospital the week after they were born, and I didn't read on the can that you're supposed to toss it after a month. I hope she can handle switching formulas a little bit, because I have tons of samples I'd like to use up that we couldn't use for David.

I'm feeling down. I think I get a lot of my self-worth from work. I'd never admit it to anyone there, but I missed getting some of the praise this week. Ok, I'm babbling now.

The Parade magazine in the paper today was really weird. The cover story was about Benazir Bhutto. They didn't even print a preface to the fact that now she's dead. I wonder how far ahead they print those? It seemed pretty tacky and irresponsible to me.